My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I deserve to be covered in dicks
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
