Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
