Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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