we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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