genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize