She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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