I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
