ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
