Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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