The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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