1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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