she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
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