I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
