His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
