The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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