I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Randomize
