i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
