I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
