Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize