I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
