you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Randomize
