well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize