Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
