I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
