I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
