have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
