how can u be prego again
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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