I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize