then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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