Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
