I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize