It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
