This is not my ceiling
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize