Need sex. Gaining weight.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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