I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize