I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
As shirtless as possible
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize