You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
