apparently the secret to your success is patron
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
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