Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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