it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Randomize
