They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
