i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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