I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize