Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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