if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
