And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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