I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize