tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
