Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
