I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
