Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
