i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
