god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
