A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
