six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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