You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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