The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
