So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
