did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
