Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
