Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
