i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Randomize
