why didn't you poke me back
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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