First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
