we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
My hand turned me down
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
