Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
It was confusing and full of hummus
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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