I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
