i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
