So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
