dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Randomize
