Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
