why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
