can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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