you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
This is the prime rib incident all over again
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
